Relentlessly Superior.

Friday, March 04, 2005
[4:43 AM]

labelling is just all part of life. there's the gorgeous. there's the ugly. there's the dumbo. there's the brainy. there's the flirt, idiot, faggot, asshole. cheater, liar. sweet one, horny one. and the list goes on and on. people label me. i don't care. i'm physically, mentally, emotionally (etc etc...) numbed to it. i read somewhere, never allow yourself to be labelled, for labels stick. so? who cares if people think i'm a flirt. who cares if people think i'm a faggot. i wouldn't care especially if people think i'm gorgeous. who would in the first place. but there are just times when you just want people to call you by your name. it's my name. it belongs to me. i belong to it. it doesn't matter, be it nickname or real name. would you rather people call you boy or girl instead of your own name? you know, i'm always the boy, the son, the brother, the cousin, the friend, the best friend, but not moose. huh? musa? musa who? oh! that one arh...! ... and the mind makes up something about me, negative mostly, that stands out and rings a bell. there is nothing wrong with that actually cos it always happens to all of us. but labelling has just gotten onto another level, one that i am not at all prepared for.

i'm getting sick and tired of the competition. it's suppose to be fun. instead, it's taking fun away from me. there's just too many things i have sacrificed for this competition's sake; sleep, health, education, friendship, relationship, i can't read as often anymore, i spent every second thinking about it... most importantly i spent tons of money on it. all this despite knowing the slim chance i have of winning. well they always say just give it a try. you won't know till you try. so i tried. and now i know. fuck the competition. it doesn't do justice to my creativity and passion. i knew it. i knew from the start this is not my kind. i knew it's not for me. i do couture runway designs for God sake, not couture bridal gowns! see what i mean when i say it doesn't do justice to my creativity and passion? one whole week sewing beads and sequins, it better pay off and it better pay off well. or i'll freak out.

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