Relentlessly Superior.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
[3:14 PM]

I am sick. Very very sick. Can't find a better timing for a cold can I. It sucks because I can't do shit other than to lie down and watch tv. And that is what I've been doing practically everyday ever since the holidays started, sick or not. I am very bored. There's nothing to do around here. I need a job. Will any of the places I went ever going to call me back? Am I so unwanted? I need a job. Employ me someone, anyone. Give me a job. I'm willing to striptease or pole dance if that's what it takes for me to get out of the house to do something. I need to do something. It's not the money, or rather not just the money, but I NEED to be doing something. Not doing anything is making me crazy, as you can tell from this nonsensical, pointless rambling. I need a project to work on. My brain demands to be given a task. It demands to work. I feel stupid not dealing with current issues or debating historical facts or interpreting literature texts anymore. It's like my brain seems to not exist any longer and it's practically air up there. I can't imagine what would happen if this goes on for another two months.

So anyway, last sunday we were at the airpost sending Smita off back to her hometown.

Seeing her go makes me feel like going back to my own hometown, as ridiculous as it may sound. I don't want to live here anymore especially since I know the chances of realising my dreams here are close to none. Something inside tells me that going back to where I belong will open windows to many opportunities for myself and I'll be able to find the life that I've always wanted. Perhaps I should give it a try but time is running out and I need to make decisions fast. I think I'll only know once i get my A-level results.

Sometimes I hate the airport because it makes me ask myself, what am I doing here? It fuels my desire to get out of here sooner, quicker.

Today is supposed to be a big day for me. I've been given the rare opportunity to take my first step in achieving one of my wildest dreams, to expose myself and get the ball rolling. But someone had to burst my bubble and spoil it for me and I'm feeling rather bitter about it. This however makes me realise the road ahead is anything but rocky and people around me have roles to play in my own future, that I am not the only keyplayer. We are all very susceptible and vulnerable to the decisions made by others and whatever they do can always affect us in any way. It makes me feel humble for some reason.

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