Relentlessly Superior.

Saturday, December 01, 2007
[10:41 PM]

When I turned up for the first round of audition for the scholarship few weeks back, all I was trying to do was to test my luck, to see what level of standard am I able to give and compare it to the standard that is being demanded by what they call 'the real world outside'. I hate to find myself in such a delusional state thinking that I'm probably good just because I was trained by a renowned instructor in a school that produces the best. So I was hoping to be woken up from slumber, giving myself a well-deserved reality check. They gave me mirrors for that to happen, and from there, I could see for myself, indeed, I've been in an extremely sorry state of denial all along. Good? Far from it. But they took me in and made me a scholar, maybe because they could see the potential in me despite all the mess that I was giving them. Some of those who turned up had at least been rejected once before they were finally accepted, but I got in on my first try. Lucky? I'd rather think of it as god's will. It was jubilance beyond words, I never felt so elated in such a long time. For once in my life I actually believed that I was made for this. But like everything else that goes up, it has to come back down, and it didn't take them long to pull me back to earth and confiscate the glory that I was hoping to hang on to till the end.

It's extremely disheartening for me to have to find back the drive and spirit that once brought me here. I may sound like a growing teenager filled with angst for saying this but I really can't help but think I'm simply pathetic. This is my area of expertise, I'm supposed to be good at keeping a positive mindset in reaching my ultimate goal. But it's just so hard (the way participants of reality tv shows would typically say it on tv). Humour's a good form of defence and I hope there's plenty of it in me to keep me going.

Things get even worse when along the way you start asking yourself, what's the point? Why am I doing this, why am I making things so hard for myself? It won't promise me a respectable position in a reputable bank. It won't fly me to Dubai. I greatly doubt its ability to buy me a little red Lambo.

So, quit?

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