Wednesday, January 28, 2009
[11:16 PM]
I've been doing a lot of work behind the scene, planning for this course, preparing for that lecture, sorting out a certain ceremony, getting all the administration stuff done, etc, I can't remember the last time I conducted an actual lesson. I had to replace a colleague today and I hate teaching lessons I'm not prepared for. It's like going on stage with no routine in mind. So I had to teach this wonderful invention we call submersible pump and boy, did I have a lot to say about that simple equipment! No I didn't do my research prior to the lesson, I had no idea I was going to teach that, and no it's not one of those things I see and operate frequently (it's not a very common equipment, use it approx once every 6 months), but I had all these things to say like a freaking manual! So then I finally realised what kind of a teacher I am.
I teach mostly from experience and knowledge I sub-concsiously gather along the way and I tend to elaborate a little too much. A simple fact like "this is a blue hose" can be well expanded into something like "this is a very special blue hose because it is the only hose that is blue and unlike any other hoses it has two different kinds of connections on either end." And then further elaborate what the connections are and why they are called as such blah blah blah.. I can imagine how tormenting it must be for the trainees. Or is it? But I'm doing them a huge favour because I see these as really important things that ought to be mentioned and I can't bear to leave any out. I feel almost sinful and going against my principles if I were to do that for it is my duty to teach therefore I teach. Today it was disappointing to see their lack of interest in all the noise coming out of my mouth that I had to ask myself, what's the point then, really? Is there such a thing as having too much to teach? Or am I too generous with my sharing of knowledge, too fascinated with its wealth and abundance, that I got too caught up with my ownself, unaware of the effects it has on the receiving side? Surely there are two sides to it. But I'm more concerned about giving. Time to reconsider this teaching attitude of mine perhaps. I am going to do this full time anyway so better start amending its flaws before it becomes inherent in me.
I'm like Ross Gellar of Friends.
So I met a girl, a smart, attractive girl. I told a colleague about her and the kiss she gave in response to my hug. His first reaction? "So did you get an erection?" No I did not! I tried to explain that it was not a boy-you're-so-sexy-i-wanna-have-sex-with-you-tonight sort of kiss but more like boy-i-think-i-like-you-i-wish-i-could-see-you-again-sometime sorta kiss. Somehow I saw his answer coming: "Dude, that's so gay." Why can't boys look at girls in a more cultured way and not just think of them as sex machines? I think there's more than meets the eye when it comes to the opposite sex and one ought to study what's underneath to unearth the true beauty of a person. We're talking about a potential relationship here, not a mere fling! I'm not the kind who sees a gorgeous woman and think "Wow she deserves some hot raw sex from me tonight!" or even "Wow I so want to date her!" Does that make me less of a man? There's something unattractive about being so hot and sexy to me that makes me not want to ask her out. Well yeah I do get the occasional wild fantasies of being dirty and naughty, but not when you're looking for loooveeeee... an actual romance between two opposite sex that transcends physical beauty. Maybe it's just me, my brain, this is what you get when you're in the Lonely Hearts Club longer than you should be. I can't believe I'm turning 21 single and lonely.
Recent experiences have taught me a few great things about friends and relationship (as two separate entities). Friendship is a very seasonal thing. You are friends with so-and-so because you go to school together, members of a same club, etc, there's always this common ground that has to be there for a friendship to work. Common interest therefore connections. But the sincerity of it becomes very questionable. How many of us actually still consider our primary school friends as friends now? There are a few, but how close are we to them? We are closer to people that are connected to us at that period through our activities because we see them everyday. Once done, they become mere acquaintances, people you used to know. I'm lamenting because this whole process is tiring me out and making me wonder if I actually have real friends I can always turn to anytime. A recent incident made me thought about it, and suddenly I'm seeing myself lonely in the near future. I don't fear loneliness but it makes me sad. But my answer is yes, I have real friends, friends of every season, friends who appreciate me for who I am. To hell with seasonal friends, I'm going to be cold and distant when school starts. Hell yeah.