Relentlessly Superior.

Sunday, January 30, 2011
[6:50 PM]

I could be selfish and tell myself oh screw this shit I don't owe anyone a living. But I have more sense in me than to do that, precisely what I've always done ever since I could remember feeling this way. It is supposed to be something beautiful, something that I thought has the innate ability to lift your mood up when you are at your lowest, to put a smile on your face as you rejoice, happy thoughts happy thoughts. But oh blimey me, it is harder than trekking an unknown territory, scarier than being lost in a dense jungle, and it probably hurts more than having a stick up your ass. Why must it be so confusing? Why can't it be as simple as it was meant to be when God first created it? Where is the simplicity in life?

I don't even know where to begin or how to begin explaining it. It's in there, deep in there, buried and causing much trouble to my weak weak heart. I have got to be the biggest fool for doing what I have done. And I don't know if it's a path towards a brighter and better place (though my senses seem to protest so violently) or simply an irrational act that I might have to pay for for not using this bright mind of mine. Or maybe it is a sign that I can't let go of the past. I want to run away. I shouldn't have done what I've done but because it's been done I've got to deal with it but I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. I'm just going to keep the workload piling and that should take my mind off things.

This is a straight line. It's as straight as you would like to think it is. You can be cheeky like a friend of mine and say it is as straight as a flexible ruler. Why, it is not exactly straight then is it? But it is a straight line. And I'm trying to walk on it.

So this is a straight line that I am trying my very best to walk on. It will be difficult they warned me. But I was not one to be easily smitten. These are challenges and they are here to laugh at us.

But I'm beginning to understand why now. Why, this is a straight line that is not. It's only as straight as I want it to be. Or perhaps as curved as you want it to be. I think I can see the end. Or is that a fork?

I am walking on a straight line. And I will see you there at the end one day.

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