Monday, February 28, 2011
[12:43 PM]
Thankfully the dramatic morning did not persist. Because for once after teaching these brats for seven weeks I left my supposedly holy class with a smile. It took me seven weeks to finally get through to them, a little too late perhaps because I only have two more weeks to go. We had fun, so much fun, that other teachers complained in envy. Kids say the darnest things really, especially the smart ones. I love my kids. And once again I am reminded of the reasons why I do what I do. I'm going to hold on to this for as long as I can before it burns out on me completely.
I think I have reached that point in life where I know I can't possibly stretch myself to the max and therefore would have to be wise in choosing what I truly want and in order to do that I have to constantly ask myself, what do I get out of doing this? What can I possibly gain from it? Does it or will it serve me any purpose? I look back, forward and around constantly to keep in check of what I am or could be missing out on, and ask myself, why? Why am I not doing what they are doing? Why didn't I get chosen for this? What do I lack? Is it me or is it them? Should I be envious? Should I strive to work towards it? So many questions keep running through my mind that I find myself going round and round in an endless motion of self-reflection. It is not entirely a good thing actually, but it keeps me in check of what I truly want in life. You can't get what you want all the time no matter how hard you work for it. You can only put in the effort and strive for it, but at the end of the day, the decision doesn't lie with you. At this juncture I'm quite sure what my priorities are and where I should invest most of my time, sweat and money in. No point working on something you know you won't get much out of. Membuang garam ke laut, is that how it goes? Toil on something you know you can be good at or where the people involved appreciate what you are able to offer. Harness your talent and capability, and avoid getting too hung up on your weaknesses. Sure you could and should work at improving them, but not at the expense of what you are able to bring to the table. Don't be a jack of all trade and master on none.
In a separate matter, you know how they say once beaten twice shy? I should start learning from my own past experiences, they might not be plenty but enough to remind myself never to pin my hopes on something I know I can't be sure of. But I have a horrible tendency of allowing myself to get swept up by the frenzy of emotions that follow, thinking oh how happy how delightful it puts a smile on my face every morning when I wake up, only to be very disappointed later. The higher you hope the higher your chances of falling, so I need to remind myself to always be realistic. Well I really hope it works out well enough to bring me joy one day, one day...